I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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