i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
