I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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