I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
