literally had 100 drinks last night.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
