I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize