We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I would fuck him just for his dog
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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