Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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