Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
