matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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