Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
