Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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