I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
