So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
