enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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