I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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