she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
