just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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