I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
