wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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