My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
