the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
