ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
