I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
