Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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