I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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