I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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