I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
