Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
