Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You took a bar mat shot.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
