last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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