Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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