I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
