Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
