Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
