I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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