Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
