My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
And then he peed in my hair
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