Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
