hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i drank out of a bidet.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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