I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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