I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
