You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize