The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
