I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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