does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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