Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
