Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
