Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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