watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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