My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
