i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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