Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
