Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
