We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
